An interlude with Jack the Serpent
by T. A. Shankle
“Why do we have to get so high, Jack?” Eddie asked as they circled and entwined themselves around a huge tree. It stood in the midst of a magnificent, but foliage-ridden jungle.
“Because we can’t see shit from the ground, or the lower limbs of this mother-huggin’ tree.” Jack smartly replied. “Just trust me, Eddie.”
Let me introduce our two conspirators: Jack and Eddie; serpents extraordinaire.
They have led an obscure journey that spanned over four harmonious (yet boring in the end) settings such as this. Each one having a certain aspect contributed to its `ecology`. For instance: specific animals thrived with their ever-growing envir-onment and/or resources.
Some were halfsy with everything in their surroundings.
Some were lucky enough to adapt.
And some were like roaches; monstrosities and freaks of nature, trying to fit in, and eventually feeding off every freaking thing.
That’s where our conniving, little Jack found his inevitable niche in this world.
He was one of those rare creatures that embraced his destiny, and although it slightly disturbed him, he found it comforting to know his calling was to screw with the heads of others that didn’t have the sense to know the difference between a practical joke and serious advice. Only by following this odd fate did he come to terms with his own twisted mind, and what this last floral scenario might hold for him.
The place he now explored, along with his friend-in-fate, Eddie, was having its own problems. Ones concerning who should be the arbitrator over trivial things, as well as the big questions in life. Such as:
“Where is life leading us?”
“How can we make it better?”
“Does this make me look fat?”
Well, Jack was a snake of ideas.
Ones that came unsurprisingly easy to him (imagine that).
************************
Jack inched his way along the knots of a strong branch, paying close attention to a fruit on the verge of ripeness. It resembled a large grape, tantalizingly hypnotic with its sweet scent. Jack marked it in his memory for later.
Eddie was behind him, occasionally gazing out over the multi-colored leaves.
From his point of view, the landscape unfurled into a Utopia of bountiful vegetation and wildlife.
“What are we looking for?” asked Eddie.
“It’s been kinda boring lately, Ed. I thought if we position-ed ourselves to see what’s going on, maybe we could enlighten our seemingly dull life.” Jack yawningly hissed.
“I’m happy like it is.” Eddie studied the look in Jack’s emerald eyes. “I know that look, Jack. Don’t forget about last time.”
“Don’t worry, Edster. I just want to be part of the bigger picture. You know, like a humble artist surveying his surround-ings.”
“I don’t like the sound of that.” hissed Eddie.
Eddie was a solemn and simple snake that coped with life as it was dished out to him. He never worried much; except for when it came to Jack. He knew Jack better than he knew himself, or so he liked to think.
According to Eddie, Jack was a trouble-making instigator. Jack’s life, for as long as Eddie knew him, had been filled to the brim with sarcastic motivation; including perfunctory tricks and mental traps designed to get a laugh from his own id, and for the creatures that occasionally sided with him. To put it plainly, Jack got his kicks from everyone else’s mishaps.
But Jack had a peculiar charisma about him; so much so that Eddie couldn’t help but like him. Even if Jack thought he was the center of the universe.
The previous place that Jack and Eddie passed through was more trouble than trick. Jack had tried to spread his “wisdom”. The animals welcomed Jack’s perceptive advice at first, but soon discovered his counsel had malevolent undertones.
The final straw burst into flames one afternoon when a distr-essed young wolf asked Jack for some meager consultation:
“What’s this thing attached to my butt, Jack?” asked the naïve wolf. “I can’t get it off, and it hurts if I try.”
Jack pondered for a moment, a sly grin stretching across his scaley features. “Why that’s some type of hitch-hiking critter, or even worse, a parasite.” His grin slipped down into a serious expression. “If I was you, I’d get it off as soon as possible, because it looks like its trying to crawl up your ass. If it does that, it’s all over for you.”
The wolf’s eyes widened in surprise, and it quickly commenced to chasing its tail around in circles; always near to catching it, but never quite making it.
Jack and Eddie snickered to each other. “Go, wolf,” said Jack, “tell your friends the same as I’ve told you. Maybe they’ll be able to help, and in doing so, help themselves.”
The wolf’s whimsical circles led it away into the woods.
Before long, all the beasts that had tails were in a chaotic uproar. Fortunately, an old lion who happened to have enough common sense to see through this insane foolishness, straightened them out before too many mangled tails were lost. Then he promptly led a revolt against Jack and his pal, Eddie.
They had no choice but to depart their new home. Jack laughed as they left the previously sublime abode, vowing to find a more humorous scene for him and his friend. Eddie shook his reptilian head and kept his gaze and tongue ever forward.., as he always did.
**********************
The two friends continued along the upper boughs of this radiant tree, casually protruding their tongues to test the air. Eddie was the first to notice a strange, yet familiar taste waft-ing on the breeze. It seemed reminiscent of a scent from his past; one that aroused him. Jack soon paused as well. “What do you make of that, Eddie?”
Before Eddie could reply, a twig-breaking, leaf-rustling racket came from above them. They tilted their heads back quickly, expecting a falling branch. Instead, they caught the flashing glimpse of a fruit tumbling past them, recklessly somer-saulting its way to the ground.
“Heads down!” exclaimed a hissing voice from above. “Or is it heads up? I’m so forgetful on spur-of-the-moment emergencies.”
Slithering down the trunk was a great snake, twice the size of our antagonists. Its scales were sleek black with red, star-shaped markings that sparkled in the sunlight. As it made its descent, a subtle fear crept over Jack and Eddie; for they realized that this creature could be cannibalistic. But once its gaze met theirs, the fear settled, and they found themselves growing increasingly calm.
“What do you say, lads?”
Jack glanced at Eddie. “Did he just call us ladies?”
Eddie returned the look. “I think he called us lids.”
The black snake cocked it’s scaley brow. “Oh, never mind that. What brings you to this wonderful place?”
Jack and Eddie flicked their tongues at each other, and cont-inued to grow more and more comfortable with this huge stranger; which, for some odd reason, didn’t seem to be much of a stranger at all.
Jack perked up, quickly becoming his usual, unusual self. “We’ve come to admire the view and soak up a little sun.” He turned to Eddie. “Eddie’s looking a bit pale this summer.”
Eddie responded by giving Jack the “forked-tongue fuck you”. A feat that’s hard to accomplish, unless you’re a snake. Jack merely giggled and returned his attention to their guest.
“Is that it, then?” asked the big snake.
“Why of course, my dear lass.” hissed Jack.
“The term is `lads`, smart one.”
Eddie, glancing back and forth between the two, took this moment to include himself in the conversation before things started going askew. “Is this tree your home?”
“No, but I’m rather fond of it. Just leave it as you found it, chaps.” And with that, he circled the limb and continued his descent of the tree.
“Now he’s calling us some queer excuse for trousers.” Jack whispered.
“Sshhh,” hissed Eddie. “He doesn’t look like one to trifle with, Jack.”
“Eehhh, he just rubs my scales the wrong way.” Jack twisted his head around and finally marked the elusive bough he had been searching for. “Come on, Edwin. An ocean of opportunities awaits us on a higher plane.” He said with that contagious grin of his. “And take those chaps off before you attract the wrong crowd.”
As they sought out the perfect perch, the fleeting memories of their large guest seemed to dwindle away; almost as if..it never occurred.
**************************
Jack was wrapped around his favorite branch, twitching the end of his tail back and forth above a twig that held one of the oval-shaped fruits. Directly below him, on a similar branch, Eddie was contemplating how long it would be before he molted.
With a quick snap of his tail, Jack broke the twig, and the fruit dropped onto Eddie’s head, bursting apart on contact.
“Watch out, Ed!” Jack spurted. “Rabid monkey attack! Shit slingers everywhere!”
Eddie slipped and barely escaped plummeting to the ground. He swung his pulp-drenched head about, searching for the make-believe enemies that Jack had conjured up. “What?.. Where?”
Jack’s hissing laughter drifted down like a drizzly rain while Eddie recovered. “That’s not funny, Jack. I almost fell.”
The scent of the fruit rose from the ground below, causing a sudden halt to Jack’s mirth. He flicked his tongue a few times, and the smile spread wider on his face. “That’s the most remarkable thing,” he softly hissed to Eddie. “Reminds me of something.”
Eddie recalled the scent with little thought. “It’s the same scent females put out when it’s time to mate.”
“Damn,” said Jack, “you’re right, Edmund. No wonder I’m feeling as spry as a Jack rabbit.”
They both glanced around at the other limbs, hoping to see a female serpent in dire need of a horny snake, or two.
But their expectations were left wanting; as was the erotic aroma when it wafted away on the breeze.
“Oh well,” Jack sighed, and stretched out on his branch. Eddie followed suit.
Fifteen feet below, in a clearing of not-so tall grass, three not-so pretty, over-sized birds were warbling to and fro round the remains of the fallen fruit. They squawked at each other, fluttered their small wings, and took turns at pecking the fruit’s pulp. Jack and Eddie remained silent, observing.
Without warning, a quick-as-lightning fox darted through the bird’s little flock, snatched one up by the neck, and trotted off with its prize.
“Don’t, fox!” one bird squawked.
“Don’t kill her!” the other chirped in.
They waddled about in circles with their wings held high. “Don’t, don’t, don’t!” they wailed.
Jack snickered and hung his head down from the branch. “Hey,” he hissed, “you better fly off before that fox comes back.”
One of them looked up. “Don’t wanna fly!”
“Why not?” asked Eddie.
“Don’t know how.”
“Just take off running,” said Jack, “and start flapping your wings like Hell.”
The bird tilted its head to the side. “Don’t understand.”
Jack looked at Eddie, smiling and shaking his head. The gears in Jack’s mind had started spinning. “Why you’re just a couple of `don’t birds`, aren’t you? “Don’t this” and “Don’t that”. You’re definitely in need of some ego booster with that `glass half-full` attitude, and not to mention a pair of jewels.”
The dim-witted, not-so avians stopped their fluttering, and let their eyes roam over each other. “Don’t have jewels.”
“It’s a metaphor, you dumb duck!” Jack spat out.
The ignorant twosome glanced around. “Don’t meet four ducks.”
Eddie couldn’t hold it back any longer; he exploded with a loud “HA!”. Jack held his laughter at bay like the professional that he was.
Meanwhile, one of the feathered fools gobbled down what was left of the fruit, while one eye kept watch for that elusive fox, of course.
After Jack was sure he could speak without his voice giving him away, he continued with that charismatic gleam in his eye that Eddie knew so well. “Let’s try this on for size: Just say `DO`.”
“D-D-Duh-Don’t!” one finally spurted out.
“That’s not gonna cut it.” Jack hissed. “Try it again. Do, Do.., Dooo!”
The other bird grimaced, pursing its beak like lips. “D-D-D-DO!” A joyous expression somehow spread over its face. It began to jump around, flapping and shouting, “DO! DO! DO!”
“You got it!” Eddie exclaimed.
“Do wanna meet four ducks!” The bird roared. “Do wanna have jewels!”
“Okay, alright,” said Jack, “calm down, you magnificent jeweled duck.” The bird came to a halt, and ogled Jack like a God.
“Go forth and spread this knowledge with your folk, my reborn apostle.” Jack told him. “And be weary of that fox.”
The two not-so ducks waddled across the clearing, and into their place in the food chain; the newly speech-oriented bird squawking, “Do wanna fly! Do wanna fly!”
“What do you think, Eddie?”
Eddie sighed. “I give them a week.”
Jack laughed.
Well, needless to say, the eager “ex-don’t” bird returned to his flock and taught them his new philosophy. In a week’s time they were all chanting, “Do wanna fly!” So, they did; right off one of the highest cliffs in the garden, and straight into the rocks below. Every last one of them.
And all the other animals mourned the ignorant and tragic `Do-Do` birds, whose last words, unbeknownst to anyone else were, “Don’t splat!”
*************************
A few days after the “incident”, Jack and Eddie were scroung-ing in the grass below their favorite hangout, hoping to catch something edible off-guard. Around the time they had given up, a great uproar of breaking branches sounded from the other side of a thicket.
“Whoaa,” remarked Eddie, and began moving toward the safety of the tree. Jack stayed where he was, lifting his head high in a curious manner.
The inner side of the thicket broke away, revealing the source of all the commotion; a gigantic reptile with a pair of inept wings that sprouted from its rolling shoulders. As it burst into the grove, a loud “pffhht” erupted from its rear end, just below the tail. It came to a sliding stop, slinging grass and dirt in all directions.
“Oh, excuse me.” It said, noticing Jack. Then it burped.
When the dust and foliage settled, Jack flicked his tongue twice at the beast and said, “Eeewwh, what’s that horrid smell?”
“I said excuse me.” said the reptile, its green scales tinting red. Then another roaring “pffhht” exploded from its ass-end; not without a fine misty spray to follow it.
“Oops, wet one.” The reptile explained.
During this awful display of manners, Eddie had returned to Jack’s side. “Damn! Put a cork in it.”
Jack smiled. “Ditto.”
The reptile stumbled back on its haunches, and rubbed its ass around in small circles on the grass.
“Aahhww, don’t do that!” Jack complained. “You’re gonna stink the whole place up.”
“Sorry,” the reptile apologized. “Instinct.”
“Instinct or not, don’t do that again,” hissed Eddie. “At least not here anyway. It’ll draw flies.”
Jack attempted to shake the stink away from his head, then slithered over to the reptile. “Are you sick or something?”
After producing another putrifying belch, it replied, “Not really, just a lot of bad gas lately.”
“Shit, your breath’s awful too.”
“Yeah, I’m rotten at both ends, cousin.”
Jack searched its face for a moment. “What’s your name, biggun’?”
“Raphael, but everybody calls me Ralph.”
“That’s fitting,” Jack grinned at Eddie. “We’ve got to do something about these atrocious odors, Ralph.”
Eddie nodded in agreement.
“These fruits on the ground smell nice.” Jack said. “Take a vine and string it through a few of them.”
Ralph did as he was told, amazing Eddie with the ease in which he did it; for the huge reptile had five digits on each of his front paws.
“Hang them around your neck.” said Jack.
Ralph did this as well, and smiled back at Jack. “Nice.”
“That’s a temporary fix, but we’ve got to figure out what’s causing this in the first place.” Jack hissed. “It’s probably in your diet. What have you been eating?”
“Anything I can get my claws on.”
“This will not do.” Jack, once again, grinned at Eddie. “Do you eat peppers?”
“Sometimes, if they get in the way of something more tasty.”
“Well, switch over to eating them as much as you can; the hot ones if you can handle it.”
“Oh, I can handle it.” Ralph replied. “The hotter the better.”
“Outstanding!” Jack exclaimed. “Mix in some fruits from this tree as well. They look like they’d be good for you, not to ment-ion what they’ll do for that breath of yours.”
Ralph agreed to inform his kin of this new diet, and tromped off into the wild.
A week later, Jack and Eddie lay basking in the sun, enjoying the solemn silence of their grove. Then suddenly a great roar echoed through the trees, followed by spouts of flame jetting over the treetops.
Jack and Eddie stared at each other, and shrugged the best they could without having any shoulders.
The unexplained explosions of flame, and loud agonizing roars went on for a couple of days; not excluding the nights. On the third day, Ralph came rushing into the clearing, looking all the worse for wear. Some of his scales were missing in places, and his eyes were red, wide and harried.
“Jack!” Ralph called out, a hint of menace in his voice. “Come out, you damn worm!”
“I don’t like the look of this,” Jack hissed to Eddie, “come on.” They quietly snuck under the protruding roots of the tree.
Ralph clomped around in a hectic circle, thrashing his tail, and glaring up into the tree limbs. “Great idea, Jack! That diet you put us on nearly wiped us out!” He huffed and snorted as he yelled, and Eddie swore he saw smoke swirl from Ralph’s nostrils.
“Hhhmmph,” Ralph grunted, growing impatient. He turned about and headed back the way he came. As he trotted off, Eddie noticed that the few scales around Ralph’s sphincter were blackened. He was about to point this out to Jack when a five foot flame shot out of Ralph’s ass, scorching his tail.
“Ow, Oww, Owwie!” roared Ralph.
Eddie glanced at Jack with a look of surprise.
“Oh well, better out than in, they say.” said Jack.
********************
The grove went through a mellow phase that lasted for a week or so. Ralph never returned for a second go with our little shits, and soon boredom had started to creep into Jack’s bones, while Eddie found it to be comforting.
One evening, just before sunset, Eddie was hanging out on a lower branch of his home. He eyed a small field mouse scurrying about in the grass below him. The mouse stood up on its hind legs, nose twitching in the air above it, then darted off like a Ralph on fire with his ass catching.
“Damn!” Eddie hissed. But he soon saw what had caused his evening’s meal to jet. About eighty feet away on the edge of the clearing, was one of the strangest sights Eddie had ever seen in his life. A hairless ape; except for the top of its head, which had long flowing hair that reached its shoulders.
“Damn!” Eddie exclaimed again.
It strolled toward the tree with an awestruck look on its face. Eddie wasn’t sure what to think of this creature, but he could tell it was female, for it had breasts that hung plumply on its chest. And even without fur, she had a certain beauty about her.
“Would you look at that!” Jack had appeared beside Eddie, ogling the stranger to the glade.
“She’s got no fur.” hissed Eddie.
“Yeah,” Jack replied, “and she’s got to be cold, just look at those nipples.”
They both stared for a moment longer, then Jack turned back to Eddie. “Ohh, this is gonna be an easy one, old friend.”
Eddie kept his gaze on the unusually erect creature before him.
“Uhhhumm,” something cleared its throat behind them.
Jack and Eddie swung their heads around slowly, as if they had choreographed it. There, in the shelter of the leaves, coiled up among the boughs, was the rather large snake they had met before.
“Oh, it’s you,” said Eddie, his memory rushing back to him.
“Yeah, it’s the guy who twitches his tongue on the other side of the fence.” Jack snickered.
Eddie frowned at Jack and turned back to their guest. “What was your name again, buddy?”
The great snake stuck its head out from the shadows, and reared it a good foot above the branch. “Some call me Scratch,” it replied, “and I’m not your buddy.”
Scratch weaved his head from side to side, and his eyes took on a mesmerizing, kaleidoscope glint that held the duo’s attent-ion. “I believe I’ll handle this one, gents. Besides, I think you have grown bored with this façade. Have you not?”
Jack and Eddie displayed their perfect choreography again with matching nods.
“Good. You’ve been the cause of too much mischief here. Go and seek another place for your entertainment.” Scratch hissed.18
“With my blessing, of course.”
Without a word, the two friends slithered down the tree in a daze, and continued on toward the outer boundaries of their ex-home.
After a while, the two shook their heads and gazed at each other.
“Let’s get out of here, Eddie,”
“You bet,” said Eddie. “I was getting bored.”
“Yeah, I was getting sick of..uhhm, what did they call this place again?”
“I believe they called it Eden.”
“Stupid name for a garden anyway.” hissed Jack as he stuck his tongue out at nothing in particular.
Fin (for now)
Copyright by M.F.C.
Filed Under:Humor
